Dear spam commenter,
I see you’re having some trouble coming up with spam comments that won’t be immediately trashed. You are probably wondering why: aren’t people interested in Louis Vuitton bags? Don’t they want their websites optimized for search engines? Don’t they need a loan? Fortunately for you, I am here to help you achieve excellence in the art of spam commenting, so that you may reach a higher percentage of blogs and finally manage to sell some rip-off bags. You’re welcome.
The first thing you should know is comments normally don’t have a title, especially not in bold. So, when I see something like: “<strong>Google…</strong>” at the beginning, I (and pretty much everyone else) get suspicious. You see, Google doesn’t leave comments, because Google is not a person. You can tell because it doesn’t have a surname: people have surnames. This may seem surprising to you, but is common knowledge among the folks that have a website.
Another tell is your lack of spelling skills. You’d think that a company with the ability to spam thousands, if not millions of blogs, would have enough money for a spell-checker, mainly because those come for free. However, most of your messages display an appalling lack of knowledge of the English language. A well-written spam message would have much greater odds of being accepted.
Then there is punctuation. Or, more exactly, there is a lack of it. Here are some tips for your next batch of spam goodness:
- First letters in a paragraph have to be capitalized.
- long paragraphs which have no punctuation but seem to go on for long like this one are hard to read and barely make any sense especially if they have strings of seemingly pointless data and stuff nobody cares about I really don’t see the point on these comments please stop
- A string of never-ending commas doesn’t qualify as punctuation.
Oh, and “definately” is not a word.
The way I see it, good spamming has to look like an actual comment, so that the owner of the blog is fooled into publishing it. In this respect, I have seen some moderately clever attempts. For example:
“This is very interesting, You are a very skilled blogger. I have joined your feed and look forward to seeking more of your excellent post. Also, I have shared your website in my social networks!”
Apart from the obvious lack of writing skill, your comment sounds unnatural and way to unspecific. Here’s a better take on the same idea:
“This was awesome! I just shared it on Facebook. My wife’s gonna love it.”
See? It sounds much more natural. One may actually believe it was written by a real person: the mention to the wife, for example, adds depth and realism.
Another way to get the blogger to think this is a real comment is to criticize. Criticizing, though, is quite a difficult enterprise if you don’t know what the post is about. So I have to give it to you for trying with things like:
“I’ll complain which you have copied materials from an additional source…”
The problem, again, is it sounds quite unnatural. Not only that: when you start your message with “payday loans” you kind of lose your credibility. A better take on the same would be:
“This is just a shameless rip-off from Wikipedia.”
See what I did? A lot of blog posts are actually shameless rip-offs from Wikipedia, so this is more than plausible. The word “shameless” suggests anger, which in turn suggests the presence of someone being angry, instead of some bot. With this you could go wrong in many places, but you can ensure a higher percentage of bloggers will actually publish your comment (certainly higher than whatever ridiculous percentage you’re getting now).
In my humble opinion (this is dedicated to Tongue Sandwich) the trick for getting your spam published is to say something absolutely generic that sounds tailored to that post in particular. A little like cold reading. One possibility would be to spam the whole “humor” section with something like:
“This was hilarious! I was laughing out loud from the first paragraph to the last.”
You can hardly go wrong with this one, except for those posts that only contain a picture. For the philosophy section, something like this would be applicable to 90% of the blogs:
“The fact that this is in the philosophy section is an insult to the name of philosophy.”
I’m sure you get the gist. Anyway, you probably are too busy spamming to take the time to create good comments, so I’ve decided to help you out and do your work for you. Yes, I’m that nice. Here’s a selection of possibilities, which I encourage you to copy and use at your discretion. I am sure my readers will contribute with more.
“That was bloody brilliant. Could you point me some further reading?” (Asking questions signals an engagement with the article)
“I hear ya bro.” (I’ve somehow always wanted to reply with this comment to long, wordy posts on Wittgenstein).
“This post reeks of dissatisfaction. It seeps through your words and impregnates your whole writing style like a slimy, unhappy tar. You could definitely use some Louis Vuitton bags.”
“Some piece of advice for you: never give up, stay positive, believe in yourself.” (Given the number of times I’ve seen this written by non-spammers, I would have no problem believing this came from a real person. You may look like an idiot, but a non-spamming one).
And the one that I really, truly wish you wrote:
“Hi, this is a spam message. I have no talents or skills and I am forced to make a living by selling SEO tools. So please download my plug-in so I can install a Trojan horse in your PC and steal all of your credit card passwords. Thanks.”
By the way, if you haven’t yet, check out this “spam poem” by Chasing Wild Geese.